So I'm attending at least 2 weddings this summer (there's still time, ladies) and I've decided that it is time for me to learn how to dance. In my mind, there are several options: 1. Take a dance class, dammit. The UW offers a couple of beginning social dance classes through their Experimental College, and they're pretty cheap. However, this would involve exposing innocent strangers to my special brand of arm flapping, butt wagging, and white-girl-overbite. Nuts to that. 2. Learn from a DVD! Oh, this has potential! All my embarrassing mis-steps can be hidden away in the privacy of my own living room. However, there is no guarantee that what passes for funky foot action in my living room would be acceptable in public. I need an objective observer. Preferably an expert. Most preferably Johnny Castle. 3. Learn from a cassette tape! I didn't know this was an option until I went searching the library catalog for dance DVDs. Apparently, I can learn to mambo with Betty White. Ohhhh that is so awesome. According to the library catalog, the tape provides "spoken dance instruction with music to practice dance steps of the mambo." I can't see how this could possibly fail. And, after I learn to mambo, I can move on to her "Learn to Peabody", which I didn't even know was a type of dancing but I'm sure if I master it, I can win some sort of award. Ba dum bum. The only problem is that it's a cassette, and I don't think I own anything that plays cassette tapes anymore. 4. Moving our way through all available media, I can also learn to Lindy Hop on a VHS tape. Yes, I still have a VCR, but it's not hooked up. That can be remedied. There are a couple of holds on the library's copy, so that's indication enough that the Lindy Hop is sweeping the nation! 5. Once I get the Lindy Hop under control, I can move on to the Arthur Murray VHS tape "Dancin' Dirty". OK, I guess they had to switch the words around a little to avoid copyright infringement, but I'm not sure if Arthur Murray is the foremost authority on Dancin' Dirty. Which, of course, brings me back to Johnny Castle. Something tells me I'm never going to be invited to another wedding in my life.